Published October 29, 2011
Candlelight and roses were never your thing.
You told me a darker fairy tale that night,
though I never would have believed it,
dancing with you in the moonlit dark.
The fire you preferred was inside you,
smoldering, seething, seeping into me:
my cold, soft skin, till then untouched
by hands that didn't wait for permission.
The only rose you gave me was this one:
peeling back the collar, you can see it,
an intricate little bloom to grace my neck,
deep scarlet just beneath my skin.
I was not scarred by you; I was merely trained,
twisted into something sweetly fierce,
a doe-eyed creature with razor teeth.
Come back to me now. I'm ready for you.
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140,833 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey There - I liked this one. It has nice imagery, and the movement is nice. The begining confused me a bit, but it was well written - it flows in waves, instead of moving all in one go. It ripples, if that makes any sense. "Dancing in the moonlit dark" was a nice addition, but I tend to agree with Daisuki, in that it paints a darker, paranormal picture for the audience, adn I didn't know if that was what you were going for?...
Good work. Liked it a lot.
-IamHathor22
I agree with Daisuki. The poem gives me an overall picture of vampires,specifically.
But you did a great poem over there. I'd always like to read Gothic literature and somehow my works are influenced by the imagery of Gothic. And I like yours a lot.
I loved this!
The speaker and the speaker's tone was very dark, and wonderfully so. The rhythm was smooth, and the words were nicely chosen. Although maybe you didn't intend it, my mind relates it a lot to Halloween, particularly vampires. I couldn't quite figure out the details of this, but I got the overall picture, I think.
The imagery was clear and dark at the same time (was that a pun?) and I really enjoyed it overall. I think the last two stanzas were the strongest, and although the first line caught my attention, the rest of the first stanza is a bit plain.
"Dancing with you in the moonlit dark," seems a little... overdone to me. The rest of this poem is so finely woven, so different, that this lets the stanza end on a bit of a dull note. It is beautiful and smooth imagery, but I feel like you could spice it up a little.
This was a dark but gorgeous poem. I love the tones and the emotions from it, although they disturb me slightly.
Wonderfully done.
-Dai
This was very touching, very moving. It told a story that was heart breaking and hopeful. To think that though she was hurt badly, broken into submission, she's ready to fight back and to stand strong. I really loved this and can't wait to read more of your work. You did a great job portraying what its like for someone who's been beaten or hurt by someone they thought they could trust. Great job. Five owls out of five.